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Wednesday, February 9, 2011
How To Help Muslims Get Married
How To Help Muslims Get Married
Tips for Parents and Imams
Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world.
According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.
The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.
Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.
But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began.
Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:
The older woman noticed her instantly.
The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin.
As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion.
The woman rushed up.
“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.
“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.
“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend.
“But, but why,” she stammered.
“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”
(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed
*******
While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter.
If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.
1.Understand your role
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child’s marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.
That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:
a. suggest individuals as prospective spouses
b. thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references
c. act as the third party between the two candidates
2. Talk to your kids about what you both want
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.
You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids’ ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.
Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable.
Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.
Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.
3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate
Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates.
Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is no little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.
Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.
Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.
The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions (for more explanation of some of these points see the article 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse at www.soundvision.com).
One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.
4. Give an allotted time for the meeting
Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.
5. Investigate thoroughly
One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.
Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.
Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.
The case of one Imam’s daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.
This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.
Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.
One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.
6. Be honest
Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.
Inflating your son or daughter’s educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.
7. Take your time
Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.
Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.
8. Never Be pushy
(Another true story)
A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America’s most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.
Why?
Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.
This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.
Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.
Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.
Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children’s future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?
HOW IMAMS CAN HELP
Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community’s emotional and psychological well-being as well.
So Imams don’t just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.
1. Being a guardian for sisters
Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don’t have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don’t want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.
This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don’t usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.
Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.
2. Vouching for good brothers
An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your “stamp of approval” will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women’s parents and third party will feel a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.
3. Providing the right information
The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone’s Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.
As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.
4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting)
While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule.
As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem.
If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter’s life is at stake here.
Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith.
Tips for Parents and Imams
Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world.
According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.
The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.
Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.
But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began.
Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:
The older woman noticed her instantly.
The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin.
As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion.
The woman rushed up.
“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.
“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.
“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend.
“But, but why,” she stammered.
“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”
(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed
*******
While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter.
If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.
1.Understand your role
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child’s marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.
That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:
a. suggest individuals as prospective spouses
b. thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references
c. act as the third party between the two candidates
2. Talk to your kids about what you both want
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.
You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids’ ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.
Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable.
Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.
Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.
3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate
Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates.
Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is no little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.
Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.
Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.
The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions (for more explanation of some of these points see the article 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse at www.soundvision.com).
One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.
4. Give an allotted time for the meeting
Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.
5. Investigate thoroughly
One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.
Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.
Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.
The case of one Imam’s daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.
This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.
Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.
One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.
6. Be honest
Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.
Inflating your son or daughter’s educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.
7. Take your time
Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.
Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.
8. Never Be pushy
(Another true story)
A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America’s most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.
Why?
Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.
This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.
Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.
Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.
Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children’s future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?
HOW IMAMS CAN HELP
Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community’s emotional and psychological well-being as well.
So Imams don’t just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.
1. Being a guardian for sisters
Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don’t have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don’t want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.
This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don’t usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.
Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.
2. Vouching for good brothers
An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your “stamp of approval” will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women’s parents and third party will feel a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.
3. Providing the right information
The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone’s Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.
As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.
4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting)
While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule.
As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem.
If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter’s life is at stake here.
Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith.
Al-Nikah: the Islamic Marriage Ceremony
Al-Nikah: the Islamic Marriage Ceremony
Mohammad Mazhar Hussaini
Mutual Agreement of Bride and Groom
Marriage (nikah) is a solemn and sacred social contract between bride and groom. This contract is a strong covenant (mithaqun Ghalithun) as expressed in Quran 4:21). The marriage contract in Islam is not a sacrament. It is revocable.
Both parties mutually agree and enter into this contract. Both bride and groom have the liberty to define various terms and conditions of their liking and make them a part of this contract.
Mahr
The marriage-gift (Mahr) is a divine injunction. The giving of mahr to the bride by the groom is an essential part of the contract.
'And give the women (on marriage) their mahr as a (nikah) free gift" (Quran 4:4)
Mahr is a token commitment of the husband's responsibility and may be paid in cash, property or movable objects to the bride herself. The amount of mahr is not legally specified, however, moderation according to the existing social norm is recommended. The mahr may be paid immediately to the bride at the time of marriage, or deferred to a later date, or a combination of both. The deferred mahr however, falls due in case of death or divorce.
One matrimonial party expresses 'ijab" willing consent to enter into marriage and the other party expresses 'qubul" acceptance of the responsibility in the assembly of marriage ceremony. The contract is written and signed by the bride and the groom and their two respective witnesses. This written marriage contract ("Aqd-Nikah) is then announced publicly.
Sermon
The assembly of nikah is addressed with a marriage sermon (khutba-tun-nikah) by the Muslim officiating the marriage. In marriage societies, customarily, a state appointed Muslim judge (Qadi) officiates the nikah ceremony and keeps the record of the marriage contract. However any trust worthy practicing Muslim can conduct the nikah ceremony, as Islam does not advocate priesthood. The documents of marriage contract/certificate are filed with the mosque (masjid) and local government for record.
Prophet Muhammad (S) made it his tradition (sunnah) to have marriage sermon delivered in the assembly to solemnize the marriage. The sermon invites the bride and the groom, as well as the participating guests in the assembly to a life of piety, mutual love, kindness, and social responsibility.
The Khutbah-tun-Nikah begins with the praise of Allah. His help and guidance is sought. The Muslim confession of faith that 'There is none worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is His servant and messenger" is declared. The three Quranic verses (Quran 4:1, 3:102, 33:70-71) and one Prophetic saying (hadith) form the main text of the marriage. This hadith is:
'By Allah! Among all of you I am the most God-fearing, and among you all, I am the supermost to save myself from the wrath of Allah, yet my state is that I observe prayer and sleep too. I observe fast and suspend observing them; I marry woman also. And he who turns away from my Sunnah has no relation with me". (Bukhari)
The Muslim officiating the marriage ceremony concludes the ceremony with prayer (Dua) for bride, groom, their respective families, the local Muslim community, and the Muslim community at large (Ummah)
Marriage (nikah) is considered as an act of worship (ibadah). It is virtuous to conduct it in a Mosque keeping the ceremony simple. The marriage ceremony is a social as well as a religious activity. Islam advocates simplicity in ceremonies and celebrations.
Prophet Muhammad (S) considered simple weddings the best weddings:
'The best wedding is that upon which the least trouble and expense is bestowed". (Mishkat)
Primary Requirements
Mutual agreement (Ijab-O-Qubul) by the bride and the groom
Two adult and sane witnesses
Mahr (marriage-gift) to be paid by the groom to the bride either immediately (muajjal) or deferred (muakhkhar), or a combination of both
Secondary Requirements
Legal guardian (wakeel) representing the bride
Written marriage contract ("Aqd-Nikah) signed by the bride and the groom and witnesses by two adult and sane witnesses
Qadi (State appointed Muslim judge) or Ma'zoon (a responsible person officiating the marriage ceremony)
Khutba-tun-Nikah to solemnize the marriage
The Marriage Banquet (Walima)
After the consummation of the marriage, the groom holds a banquet called a walima. The relatives, neighbors, and friends are invited in order to make them aware of the marriage. Both rich and poor of the family and community are invited to the marriage feasts.
Prophet Muhammad (S) said:
'The worst of the feasts are those marriage feasts to which the rich are invited and the poor are left out". (Mishkat)
It is recommended that Muslims attend marriage ceremonies and marriage feasts upon invitation.
Prophet Muhammad (S) said:
"...and he who refuses to accept an invitation to a marriage feast, verily disobeys Allah and His Prophet". (Ahmad & Abu Dawood)
Reprinted from Marriage and Family in Islam by Mohammad Mazhar Hussaini
Mohammad Mazhar Hussaini
Mutual Agreement of Bride and Groom
Marriage (nikah) is a solemn and sacred social contract between bride and groom. This contract is a strong covenant (mithaqun Ghalithun) as expressed in Quran 4:21). The marriage contract in Islam is not a sacrament. It is revocable.
Both parties mutually agree and enter into this contract. Both bride and groom have the liberty to define various terms and conditions of their liking and make them a part of this contract.
Mahr
The marriage-gift (Mahr) is a divine injunction. The giving of mahr to the bride by the groom is an essential part of the contract.
'And give the women (on marriage) their mahr as a (nikah) free gift" (Quran 4:4)
Mahr is a token commitment of the husband's responsibility and may be paid in cash, property or movable objects to the bride herself. The amount of mahr is not legally specified, however, moderation according to the existing social norm is recommended. The mahr may be paid immediately to the bride at the time of marriage, or deferred to a later date, or a combination of both. The deferred mahr however, falls due in case of death or divorce.
One matrimonial party expresses 'ijab" willing consent to enter into marriage and the other party expresses 'qubul" acceptance of the responsibility in the assembly of marriage ceremony. The contract is written and signed by the bride and the groom and their two respective witnesses. This written marriage contract ("Aqd-Nikah) is then announced publicly.
Sermon
The assembly of nikah is addressed with a marriage sermon (khutba-tun-nikah) by the Muslim officiating the marriage. In marriage societies, customarily, a state appointed Muslim judge (Qadi) officiates the nikah ceremony and keeps the record of the marriage contract. However any trust worthy practicing Muslim can conduct the nikah ceremony, as Islam does not advocate priesthood. The documents of marriage contract/certificate are filed with the mosque (masjid) and local government for record.
Prophet Muhammad (S) made it his tradition (sunnah) to have marriage sermon delivered in the assembly to solemnize the marriage. The sermon invites the bride and the groom, as well as the participating guests in the assembly to a life of piety, mutual love, kindness, and social responsibility.
The Khutbah-tun-Nikah begins with the praise of Allah. His help and guidance is sought. The Muslim confession of faith that 'There is none worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is His servant and messenger" is declared. The three Quranic verses (Quran 4:1, 3:102, 33:70-71) and one Prophetic saying (hadith) form the main text of the marriage. This hadith is:
'By Allah! Among all of you I am the most God-fearing, and among you all, I am the supermost to save myself from the wrath of Allah, yet my state is that I observe prayer and sleep too. I observe fast and suspend observing them; I marry woman also. And he who turns away from my Sunnah has no relation with me". (Bukhari)
The Muslim officiating the marriage ceremony concludes the ceremony with prayer (Dua) for bride, groom, their respective families, the local Muslim community, and the Muslim community at large (Ummah)
Marriage (nikah) is considered as an act of worship (ibadah). It is virtuous to conduct it in a Mosque keeping the ceremony simple. The marriage ceremony is a social as well as a religious activity. Islam advocates simplicity in ceremonies and celebrations.
Prophet Muhammad (S) considered simple weddings the best weddings:
'The best wedding is that upon which the least trouble and expense is bestowed". (Mishkat)
Primary Requirements
Mutual agreement (Ijab-O-Qubul) by the bride and the groom
Two adult and sane witnesses
Mahr (marriage-gift) to be paid by the groom to the bride either immediately (muajjal) or deferred (muakhkhar), or a combination of both
Secondary Requirements
Legal guardian (wakeel) representing the bride
Written marriage contract ("Aqd-Nikah) signed by the bride and the groom and witnesses by two adult and sane witnesses
Qadi (State appointed Muslim judge) or Ma'zoon (a responsible person officiating the marriage ceremony)
Khutba-tun-Nikah to solemnize the marriage
The Marriage Banquet (Walima)
After the consummation of the marriage, the groom holds a banquet called a walima. The relatives, neighbors, and friends are invited in order to make them aware of the marriage. Both rich and poor of the family and community are invited to the marriage feasts.
Prophet Muhammad (S) said:
'The worst of the feasts are those marriage feasts to which the rich are invited and the poor are left out". (Mishkat)
It is recommended that Muslims attend marriage ceremonies and marriage feasts upon invitation.
Prophet Muhammad (S) said:
"...and he who refuses to accept an invitation to a marriage feast, verily disobeys Allah and His Prophet". (Ahmad & Abu Dawood)
Reprinted from Marriage and Family in Islam by Mohammad Mazhar Hussaini
The Westernized Muslim Wedding of Today
The Westernized Muslim Wedding of Today
By Reeaz H Paruk
The Western Whirlwind of Destruction which has been constantly blowing across this country for decades and undermining the morals of the Youth, of more recent times has found new victims in young men Muslim men and women who appear to be voluntarily stepping into its evil path. And whilst this "Tornado of the West" is leaving in its wake a continuous trail of crushed moral values amongst our young brothers and sisters, the parents are openly and unashamedly displaying an attitude of incredible irresponsibility by aiding and abetting the youngsters in their suicidal ventures.
Clear evidence of this gross misbehaviour can be found, for instance, at Muslim weddings and engagement parties where the type of conduct reminiscent of the western way of life is fully exercised in its most naked form, where Muslim men and women, boys and girls, act and do things that have nothing in common with the actions and doings of true Muslims. Indeed, some of the formalities which are considered indispensable (by modern standards) at these gatherings are in diametric conflict with Islam and reminiscent of the times of jahiliyyah (ignorance).
Notwithstanding the fact that western-styled garments are designed primarily to emphasize the shape of the female body and to attract the attention of members of the opposite sex, these immodest apparels are worn by Muslim women who, in anticipation of the opportunity to show themselves off at impending weddings or engagements, start making preparations on a lavish scale by acquiring the more "modern" versions of these abominably styled clothing. What is even more deplorable is the practice of equipping the bride with several of these immodestly designed suits, and subjecting her to a most humiliating display on an elaborately prepared stage after clothing her in an exquisite western wedding gown and obliterating all her natural beauty with western cosmetics. And to ensure perfection in the scrupulously observed rituals of the west, the bride is provided with a retinue of bridesmaids, flower-girls and page-boy, with their faces similarly disfigured with the same satanic object of attracting the maximum of lustful stares. Crowds of people, including fashionably dressed men, are then allowed to queue up to see the "puppet show" and quench their unholy thirsts whilst trampling under their feet all Islamic standards of modesty.
This slaughter of Islamic morals and principles by no means ends here. Some parents even go further and not only permit but actively encourage couples to meet and speak, dine and dance and roam around together in cars in blatant violation of the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet (S.A.W.). These extremely dangerous divergences from traditional Islamic precepts are becoming more and more common, and their perpetrators more and more shameless. In some Muslim weddings, even dancing forms part of these revolting innovations. In the words of Dr E.S. Sonners, ".....social dancing is fundamently sinful and evil.....It is nothing more or less than damnable, diabolical, animal, physical dissipation". It is not certainly not beyond one's imagination to think of the lustful gazes and corruption of the minds of young, impressionable audiences which such diabolical displays are bound to cause. And as an ironical prelude, some invitation cards printed to advertise these most insidious and sinful programmes are headed: "In the Name of Allah.......". What a mockery of Islamic ethics!
The following are some of the practices that are meticulously carried out during matrimonial affairs despite the fact that they are either expressly forbidden in Shariah, or have no bases in Islam:
The engaged couple meet at a public gathering where the boy holds the girl's hand and slips a ring onto her finger whilst the two look romantically at each other. This act is void of modesty and completly foreign to Islamic culture. It is furthermore, a flagrant violation of the Quranic Law of Purdah. It is an evil innovation of the godless west , and those indulging in it should take cognizance of the Prophet's stern warning that "those who imitate others will rise on the Day of Judgement as of them".
The prohibition in Islam of the gathering and free mixing of the sexes is nowhere else more flagrantly violated than at engagement and wedding feasts. Members of both sexes, young and old, are accomodated in the same tent or hall without so much as a curtain partition between them and to add insult to injury, women, including immodestly dressed young spinsters, are waited upon by men. What shameless impudence on the part of the organisers, who appear to be blissfully unaware of the tremendous responsibility which they must shoulder for the resultant decline in the moral standard of the Muslims.
Another very indecent practice copied from the west is the appearance on the stage together of the married couple after the Nikah. Here, the new husband presents his bride with a wedding ring, kisses her, and then (in a growing number of cases) allows his friends to kiss her too! and that in full view of the hundreds of guests! This is indeed the total and tragic destruction of Islamic modesty and shame.
It has become a normal thing at Muslim weddings for the bridegroom to appear before his mother-in-law to be showed with confetti and gifts of rings, ties, hankies, etc. in full view of women guests whose envious eyes and flattering tongues add to the morbidity of the whole act.
The parents take great pride in making a public display of the bride's "trousseau", and advertising all the individual items therein, thus wasting valuable time and effort which could otherwise have been more fruitfully spent in teaching the bride how to conduct herself with credit in her new responsiblities. This show (of the "trousseau") is motivated by the spiritually destructive elements of "riya"(ostentation) and "takabbur"(pride).
A large number of Nikah are performed in a specially rented hall or tent. The Mosque as a central pivot of all Muslim religious activity is often ignored. It is no exaggeration to say that many people regard a Nikah at the Musjid as "inconvient" simply because they are well aware that some of their ill-conceived western rituals are too shameless to be permitted there. However, according to the Tradition of the Prophet(S.A.W.) marriages performed in the House of Allah, immediately preceded and followed by prayers, will attract the maximum of Allah's Blessings, whereas this is not, and cannot, be the case where alternative venues are chosen with the express purpose of facilitating the performance of things Un-Islamic.
Many people are known to be labouring under the misconception that the conduction of marriages on certain specific Islamic dates is contrary to Islamic Law. Such beliefs are not only unfounded, but are also against the grain of common sense. Likewise, the notion that it is incumbent upon the bride to spend her first Ramadaan and Eid after marriage at the parents' home has no basis in Islam.
In recent years, more and more innovatory and satanic western practices have been added by the Muslim commercial elites whose coffers are bursting at the seams as a result of the inflationary trends and economic booms of the past decade. Among these are the European-orientated fashions of printing expensive, pictorially-embossed "thank you" cards, and, more despicably, the insidious practice of a male member of the family escorting the bride arm-in-arm from the comparative seclusion of her home, through the mixed crowd of envious guests, right on to the stage for the ultimate "puppet" show, and all these farcical and morbid, soul-destroying scenes being "shot" for posterity by specially appointed and professionally equipped "video and photography" teams, with a fully fledged and "high ranking" musical band in close attendance! Within the self-same decade, the progressive deterioration of the bride's wedding-day garments from bad to worse in the very latest and obnoxious "see-thru" materials has been causing grave misgivings among the Ulama , many of whom are known to have turned down invitations from close acquaintances for fear of being confronted with scenes too shameless to comprehend. Several more instances can be cited where a great deal of expense and trouble are incurred over acts that are counter-productive of Islamic ethical and moral values. It is a tragic fact that each year hundreds of thousands of Ranks are squandered in the process of upholding and intensifying these senseless, soul-destroying procedures.
"Lo! the squanderers were ever brothers of the devils, and the devil was ever an ingrate to his Lord." (xvii-27) "The best of marriage is one over which the least trouble and expense have been incurred" is a most off-flouted maxim of the Holy Prophet(S.A.W.). The Great Master's sound teachings have been thoughlessly and savagely thrown overboard and substituted by the fast-decaying cultural values of the godless west.
Someone was heard to remark at a recent wedding reception: "Here is part of the reason for the drought....and for escalating Muslim divorce rate....(to heights unknown in previous generations)....and for the downward plunge of the Muslims.... into the abyss of physical and spritual destruction....in this world and the next......"
May Allah grant Hidaayat, to one and all! Aameen
By Reeaz H Paruk
The Western Whirlwind of Destruction which has been constantly blowing across this country for decades and undermining the morals of the Youth, of more recent times has found new victims in young men Muslim men and women who appear to be voluntarily stepping into its evil path. And whilst this "Tornado of the West" is leaving in its wake a continuous trail of crushed moral values amongst our young brothers and sisters, the parents are openly and unashamedly displaying an attitude of incredible irresponsibility by aiding and abetting the youngsters in their suicidal ventures.
Clear evidence of this gross misbehaviour can be found, for instance, at Muslim weddings and engagement parties where the type of conduct reminiscent of the western way of life is fully exercised in its most naked form, where Muslim men and women, boys and girls, act and do things that have nothing in common with the actions and doings of true Muslims. Indeed, some of the formalities which are considered indispensable (by modern standards) at these gatherings are in diametric conflict with Islam and reminiscent of the times of jahiliyyah (ignorance).
Notwithstanding the fact that western-styled garments are designed primarily to emphasize the shape of the female body and to attract the attention of members of the opposite sex, these immodest apparels are worn by Muslim women who, in anticipation of the opportunity to show themselves off at impending weddings or engagements, start making preparations on a lavish scale by acquiring the more "modern" versions of these abominably styled clothing. What is even more deplorable is the practice of equipping the bride with several of these immodestly designed suits, and subjecting her to a most humiliating display on an elaborately prepared stage after clothing her in an exquisite western wedding gown and obliterating all her natural beauty with western cosmetics. And to ensure perfection in the scrupulously observed rituals of the west, the bride is provided with a retinue of bridesmaids, flower-girls and page-boy, with their faces similarly disfigured with the same satanic object of attracting the maximum of lustful stares. Crowds of people, including fashionably dressed men, are then allowed to queue up to see the "puppet show" and quench their unholy thirsts whilst trampling under their feet all Islamic standards of modesty.
This slaughter of Islamic morals and principles by no means ends here. Some parents even go further and not only permit but actively encourage couples to meet and speak, dine and dance and roam around together in cars in blatant violation of the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet (S.A.W.). These extremely dangerous divergences from traditional Islamic precepts are becoming more and more common, and their perpetrators more and more shameless. In some Muslim weddings, even dancing forms part of these revolting innovations. In the words of Dr E.S. Sonners, ".....social dancing is fundamently sinful and evil.....It is nothing more or less than damnable, diabolical, animal, physical dissipation". It is not certainly not beyond one's imagination to think of the lustful gazes and corruption of the minds of young, impressionable audiences which such diabolical displays are bound to cause. And as an ironical prelude, some invitation cards printed to advertise these most insidious and sinful programmes are headed: "In the Name of Allah.......". What a mockery of Islamic ethics!
The following are some of the practices that are meticulously carried out during matrimonial affairs despite the fact that they are either expressly forbidden in Shariah, or have no bases in Islam:
The engaged couple meet at a public gathering where the boy holds the girl's hand and slips a ring onto her finger whilst the two look romantically at each other. This act is void of modesty and completly foreign to Islamic culture. It is furthermore, a flagrant violation of the Quranic Law of Purdah. It is an evil innovation of the godless west , and those indulging in it should take cognizance of the Prophet's stern warning that "those who imitate others will rise on the Day of Judgement as of them".
The prohibition in Islam of the gathering and free mixing of the sexes is nowhere else more flagrantly violated than at engagement and wedding feasts. Members of both sexes, young and old, are accomodated in the same tent or hall without so much as a curtain partition between them and to add insult to injury, women, including immodestly dressed young spinsters, are waited upon by men. What shameless impudence on the part of the organisers, who appear to be blissfully unaware of the tremendous responsibility which they must shoulder for the resultant decline in the moral standard of the Muslims.
Another very indecent practice copied from the west is the appearance on the stage together of the married couple after the Nikah. Here, the new husband presents his bride with a wedding ring, kisses her, and then (in a growing number of cases) allows his friends to kiss her too! and that in full view of the hundreds of guests! This is indeed the total and tragic destruction of Islamic modesty and shame.
It has become a normal thing at Muslim weddings for the bridegroom to appear before his mother-in-law to be showed with confetti and gifts of rings, ties, hankies, etc. in full view of women guests whose envious eyes and flattering tongues add to the morbidity of the whole act.
The parents take great pride in making a public display of the bride's "trousseau", and advertising all the individual items therein, thus wasting valuable time and effort which could otherwise have been more fruitfully spent in teaching the bride how to conduct herself with credit in her new responsiblities. This show (of the "trousseau") is motivated by the spiritually destructive elements of "riya"(ostentation) and "takabbur"(pride).
A large number of Nikah are performed in a specially rented hall or tent. The Mosque as a central pivot of all Muslim religious activity is often ignored. It is no exaggeration to say that many people regard a Nikah at the Musjid as "inconvient" simply because they are well aware that some of their ill-conceived western rituals are too shameless to be permitted there. However, according to the Tradition of the Prophet(S.A.W.) marriages performed in the House of Allah, immediately preceded and followed by prayers, will attract the maximum of Allah's Blessings, whereas this is not, and cannot, be the case where alternative venues are chosen with the express purpose of facilitating the performance of things Un-Islamic.
Many people are known to be labouring under the misconception that the conduction of marriages on certain specific Islamic dates is contrary to Islamic Law. Such beliefs are not only unfounded, but are also against the grain of common sense. Likewise, the notion that it is incumbent upon the bride to spend her first Ramadaan and Eid after marriage at the parents' home has no basis in Islam.
In recent years, more and more innovatory and satanic western practices have been added by the Muslim commercial elites whose coffers are bursting at the seams as a result of the inflationary trends and economic booms of the past decade. Among these are the European-orientated fashions of printing expensive, pictorially-embossed "thank you" cards, and, more despicably, the insidious practice of a male member of the family escorting the bride arm-in-arm from the comparative seclusion of her home, through the mixed crowd of envious guests, right on to the stage for the ultimate "puppet" show, and all these farcical and morbid, soul-destroying scenes being "shot" for posterity by specially appointed and professionally equipped "video and photography" teams, with a fully fledged and "high ranking" musical band in close attendance! Within the self-same decade, the progressive deterioration of the bride's wedding-day garments from bad to worse in the very latest and obnoxious "see-thru" materials has been causing grave misgivings among the Ulama , many of whom are known to have turned down invitations from close acquaintances for fear of being confronted with scenes too shameless to comprehend. Several more instances can be cited where a great deal of expense and trouble are incurred over acts that are counter-productive of Islamic ethical and moral values. It is a tragic fact that each year hundreds of thousands of Ranks are squandered in the process of upholding and intensifying these senseless, soul-destroying procedures.
"Lo! the squanderers were ever brothers of the devils, and the devil was ever an ingrate to his Lord." (xvii-27) "The best of marriage is one over which the least trouble and expense have been incurred" is a most off-flouted maxim of the Holy Prophet(S.A.W.). The Great Master's sound teachings have been thoughlessly and savagely thrown overboard and substituted by the fast-decaying cultural values of the godless west.
Someone was heard to remark at a recent wedding reception: "Here is part of the reason for the drought....and for escalating Muslim divorce rate....(to heights unknown in previous generations)....and for the downward plunge of the Muslims.... into the abyss of physical and spritual destruction....in this world and the next......"
May Allah grant Hidaayat, to one and all! Aameen
Islamic Wedding
Islamic Wedding
By Moulana M. Saleem Dhorat
Wedding of Fatimah (RadhiAllah Anha)
Fatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) is the youngest daughter of our beloved Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam). Out of all the children, he was the most beloved to him. He said, 'The Queen of the ladies in Jannat is Faatimah.' He also said, 'Faatimah is part of my body. Whoever grieves her, grieves me.'
When Faatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) reached the age of fifteen, proposals for her marriage began to come from high and responsible families. But the Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) remained irresponsive.
Ali (Radhiallaahu Ánhu), who was 21 at the time, says: It occurred to me that I should go and make a formal proposal, but then I thought, 'How could this be accomplished, for I possess nothing.' At last, encouraged by the Prophet's kindness, I went to him and expressed my intention to marry Faatima (Radhiyallaahu Anha). The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) was extremely pleased and asked, 'Áli! Do you possess anything to give her in Mahr?' I replied, 'Apart from a horse and an armour I possess nothing.'
The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) said, 'A soldier must, of course, have his horse. Go and sell away your armour.'
So, Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) went and sold his armour to Uthmaan (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) for 480 Dirham and presented it to Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam). Bilaal (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) was ordered by the Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) to bring some perfume and a few other things and Anas (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) was sent to call Abu Bakr, Uthmaan, Talhah, Zubayr with some companions from the Ansaar (Radhiallaahu Ánhum).
When these men arrived and had taken their seats, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) recited the Khutbah (sermon) of Nikaah and gave Faatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) in marriage to Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu). He announced, 'Bear you all witness that I have given my daughter Faatimah in marriage to Áli for 400 Mithqaal of silver and Áli has accepted.' He then raised his head and made Duá saying, 'O Allah, create love and harmony between these two. Bless them and bestow upon them good children.' after the Nikaah, dates were distributed.
When the time came for Faatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) to go to Áli's (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) house, she was sent without any clamour, hue and cry accompanied Umm Ayman (Radhiallaahu Ánhu). After the Éesha Salaat, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) went to their house, took permission and entered. He asked for a basin of water, put his blessed hands into it and sprinkled it on both Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) and Faatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) and made Duá for them.
The sovereign of both worlds gave his beloved daughter a silver bracelet, two Yemeni sheets, four mattresses, one blanket, one pillow, one cup, one hand-grinding mill, one bedstead, a small water skin and a leather pitcher.
In this simple fashion, the wedding of the daughter of the leader of the worlds was solemnised. In following this Sunnah method, a wedding becomes very simple and easy to fulfill.
SOME METHODS DERIVED FROM THE ABOVEMENTIONED MARRIAGE
The many customs as regards engagement are contrary to the Sunnah. In fact, many are against the Shariáh and are regarded sins. A verbal proposal and answer is sufficient.
To unnecessarily delay Nikah of both the boy and the girl after having reached the age of marriage is incorrect.
There is nothing wrong in inviting one's close associates for the occasion of Nikah. However, no special pains should be taken in gathering the people from far off places.
It is appropriate that the bridegroom be a few years older than the bride.
If the father of the girl is an Áalim or pious and capable of performing Nikah, then he should himself solemnise the marriage.
It is better to give the Mahr Faatimi and one should endeavour to do so. But if one does not have the means then there is nothing wrong in giving less.
It is totally un-Islamic for those, who do not possess the means, to incur debts in order to have grandiose weddings.
It is fallacy to think that one's respect will be lost if one does not hold an extravagant wedding and invite many people. What is our respect compared to that of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam)?
The present day practice of the intermingling of sexes is an act of sin and totally against Shariáh.
There is nothing such as engagement parties and Medhi parties in Islam.
Great care must be taken as regards to Salaat on occasions of marriage by all - the bride, the bridegroom and all the participants.
It is un-Islamic to display the bride on stage.
The unnecessary expenses incurred by the bride's family in holding a feast has no basis in Shariáh.
For the engaged couple to meet at a public gathering where the boy holds the girl's hand and slips a ring on her finger is a violation of the Qurãnic law of Hijaab.
It is un-Islamic for the engaged couple to meet each other and also go out together.
Three things should be borne in mind when giving one's daughter gifts and presents at the time of Nikah:
· Presents should be given within one's means (it is not permissible to take loans, on interest for such presents);
· To give necessary items;
· A show should not be made of whatever is given.
It is Sunnat for the bridegroom's family to make Walimah.
Note: In Walimah, whatever is easily available should be fed to the people and care should be taken that the is no extravagance, show and that no debts are incurred in the process.
18. To delay Nikah after the engagement is un-Islamic.
SOME CUSTOMS
In aping Western methods sheepishly, Muslims have adopted many customs which are un-Islamic and frowned upon.
Some examples are:
Displaying the bride on stage;
Inviting guests for the wedding from far off places;
Receiving guests in the hall;
The bride's people incurring unnecessary expenses by holding a feast which has no basis in Shariáh. We should remember that Walimah is the feast arranged by the bridegroom after the marriage is consummated.
It is contrary to Sunnah (and the practice of some non-Muslim tribes in India) to wish, hope for or demand presents and gifts for the bridegroom, from the bride's people. We should always remember that our Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) did not give Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) anything except Duá
By Moulana M. Saleem Dhorat
Wedding of Fatimah (RadhiAllah Anha)
Fatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) is the youngest daughter of our beloved Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam). Out of all the children, he was the most beloved to him. He said, 'The Queen of the ladies in Jannat is Faatimah.' He also said, 'Faatimah is part of my body. Whoever grieves her, grieves me.'
When Faatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) reached the age of fifteen, proposals for her marriage began to come from high and responsible families. But the Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) remained irresponsive.
Ali (Radhiallaahu Ánhu), who was 21 at the time, says: It occurred to me that I should go and make a formal proposal, but then I thought, 'How could this be accomplished, for I possess nothing.' At last, encouraged by the Prophet's kindness, I went to him and expressed my intention to marry Faatima (Radhiyallaahu Anha). The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) was extremely pleased and asked, 'Áli! Do you possess anything to give her in Mahr?' I replied, 'Apart from a horse and an armour I possess nothing.'
The Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) said, 'A soldier must, of course, have his horse. Go and sell away your armour.'
So, Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) went and sold his armour to Uthmaan (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) for 480 Dirham and presented it to Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam). Bilaal (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) was ordered by the Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) to bring some perfume and a few other things and Anas (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) was sent to call Abu Bakr, Uthmaan, Talhah, Zubayr with some companions from the Ansaar (Radhiallaahu Ánhum).
When these men arrived and had taken their seats, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) recited the Khutbah (sermon) of Nikaah and gave Faatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) in marriage to Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu). He announced, 'Bear you all witness that I have given my daughter Faatimah in marriage to Áli for 400 Mithqaal of silver and Áli has accepted.' He then raised his head and made Duá saying, 'O Allah, create love and harmony between these two. Bless them and bestow upon them good children.' after the Nikaah, dates were distributed.
When the time came for Faatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) to go to Áli's (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) house, she was sent without any clamour, hue and cry accompanied Umm Ayman (Radhiallaahu Ánhu). After the Éesha Salaat, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) went to their house, took permission and entered. He asked for a basin of water, put his blessed hands into it and sprinkled it on both Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) and Faatimah (Radhiallaahu Ánha) and made Duá for them.
The sovereign of both worlds gave his beloved daughter a silver bracelet, two Yemeni sheets, four mattresses, one blanket, one pillow, one cup, one hand-grinding mill, one bedstead, a small water skin and a leather pitcher.
In this simple fashion, the wedding of the daughter of the leader of the worlds was solemnised. In following this Sunnah method, a wedding becomes very simple and easy to fulfill.
SOME METHODS DERIVED FROM THE ABOVEMENTIONED MARRIAGE
The many customs as regards engagement are contrary to the Sunnah. In fact, many are against the Shariáh and are regarded sins. A verbal proposal and answer is sufficient.
To unnecessarily delay Nikah of both the boy and the girl after having reached the age of marriage is incorrect.
There is nothing wrong in inviting one's close associates for the occasion of Nikah. However, no special pains should be taken in gathering the people from far off places.
It is appropriate that the bridegroom be a few years older than the bride.
If the father of the girl is an Áalim or pious and capable of performing Nikah, then he should himself solemnise the marriage.
It is better to give the Mahr Faatimi and one should endeavour to do so. But if one does not have the means then there is nothing wrong in giving less.
It is totally un-Islamic for those, who do not possess the means, to incur debts in order to have grandiose weddings.
It is fallacy to think that one's respect will be lost if one does not hold an extravagant wedding and invite many people. What is our respect compared to that of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam)?
The present day practice of the intermingling of sexes is an act of sin and totally against Shariáh.
There is nothing such as engagement parties and Medhi parties in Islam.
Great care must be taken as regards to Salaat on occasions of marriage by all - the bride, the bridegroom and all the participants.
It is un-Islamic to display the bride on stage.
The unnecessary expenses incurred by the bride's family in holding a feast has no basis in Shariáh.
For the engaged couple to meet at a public gathering where the boy holds the girl's hand and slips a ring on her finger is a violation of the Qurãnic law of Hijaab.
It is un-Islamic for the engaged couple to meet each other and also go out together.
Three things should be borne in mind when giving one's daughter gifts and presents at the time of Nikah:
· Presents should be given within one's means (it is not permissible to take loans, on interest for such presents);
· To give necessary items;
· A show should not be made of whatever is given.
It is Sunnat for the bridegroom's family to make Walimah.
Note: In Walimah, whatever is easily available should be fed to the people and care should be taken that the is no extravagance, show and that no debts are incurred in the process.
18. To delay Nikah after the engagement is un-Islamic.
SOME CUSTOMS
In aping Western methods sheepishly, Muslims have adopted many customs which are un-Islamic and frowned upon.
Some examples are:
Displaying the bride on stage;
Inviting guests for the wedding from far off places;
Receiving guests in the hall;
The bride's people incurring unnecessary expenses by holding a feast which has no basis in Shariáh. We should remember that Walimah is the feast arranged by the bridegroom after the marriage is consummated.
It is contrary to Sunnah (and the practice of some non-Muslim tribes in India) to wish, hope for or demand presents and gifts for the bridegroom, from the bride's people. We should always remember that our Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) did not give Áli (Radhiallaahu Ánhu) anything except Duá
Wedding in Islam
Wedding in Islam
by Mir Mohammed Assadullah
Spouses
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.
Qur'an [30 : 21]
and says:
... they are a garment for you and you are a garment to them ...
Qur'an [2 : 187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
... the best garment is the garment of God-consciousness ...
Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens underwhich rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.
Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
Whom to marry
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice...
Qur'an [4 : 3]
Similarly, for the women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter'".
[Ibn Majah]
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
[Bukhari]
Mahr
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
But if you had given the latter a cantar (of gold i.e. a great amount) for dower (Mahr) take not the least bit of it back ...
Qur'an [4 : 20]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: " A woman came to the Prophet,, and presented herself to him (for marriage). He said, 'I am not in need of women these days.' Then a man said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, 'What have you got?' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet said, 'Give her something, even an iron ring.' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?' He said, 'So much and so much.' The Prophet said, 'I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.' '"
[Bukhari]
Sex
Sex is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer reminds us of God, results of our actions, and reminds us of our commitment to train our offsprings.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan.
and if it is destined that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm him.'"
[Bukhari]
Walima
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious occassion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and family.
Narrated Anas: When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep." '"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet), and pay a visit to the patients.'"
[Bukhari]
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
Duties and Rights of Husband and Wife after marriage
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
... the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise.
Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says:
Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard ...
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Advice to Husbands
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will reamin crooked, so I urge you to take care of women.
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?' I said, `Yes, O Allah's Apostle!' He said, `Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you and your eyes have right over you and your wife has a right over you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
[Bukhari]
Men should forbear any shortcomings of women in view of the following verse of Quran:
Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good.
Qur'an [4 : 19]
Advice to Wives
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]
Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing him regarding her person or property."
[Mishkat]
Providing for wife and family
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, accoding to your circumstances, and do not harass them in order to make life difficult for them ...
Qur'an [65 : 6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women ...'
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: .. the superiority of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is beyond your needs. Thus Allah make clear to you His Signs in order that you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter ...
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him.'"
[Bukhari]
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should support your dependants first.'"
[Bukhari]
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family.
[Muslim]
by Mir Mohammed Assadullah
Spouses
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.
Qur'an [30 : 21]
and says:
... they are a garment for you and you are a garment to them ...
Qur'an [2 : 187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
... the best garment is the garment of God-consciousness ...
Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens underwhich rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.
Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
Whom to marry
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice...
Qur'an [4 : 3]
Similarly, for the women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter'".
[Ibn Majah]
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
[Bukhari]
Mahr
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
But if you had given the latter a cantar (of gold i.e. a great amount) for dower (Mahr) take not the least bit of it back ...
Qur'an [4 : 20]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: " A woman came to the Prophet,, and presented herself to him (for marriage). He said, 'I am not in need of women these days.' Then a man said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, 'What have you got?' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet said, 'Give her something, even an iron ring.' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?' He said, 'So much and so much.' The Prophet said, 'I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.' '"
[Bukhari]
Sex
Sex is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer reminds us of God, results of our actions, and reminds us of our commitment to train our offsprings.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan.
and if it is destined that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm him.'"
[Bukhari]
Walima
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious occassion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and family.
Narrated Anas: When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep." '"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet), and pay a visit to the patients.'"
[Bukhari]
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
Duties and Rights of Husband and Wife after marriage
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
... the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise.
Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says:
Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard ...
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Advice to Husbands
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will reamin crooked, so I urge you to take care of women.
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?' I said, `Yes, O Allah's Apostle!' He said, `Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you and your eyes have right over you and your wife has a right over you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
[Bukhari]
Men should forbear any shortcomings of women in view of the following verse of Quran:
Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good.
Qur'an [4 : 19]
Advice to Wives
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]
Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing him regarding her person or property."
[Mishkat]
Providing for wife and family
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, accoding to your circumstances, and do not harass them in order to make life difficult for them ...
Qur'an [65 : 6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women ...'
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: .. the superiority of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is beyond your needs. Thus Allah make clear to you His Signs in order that you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter ...
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him.'"
[Bukhari]
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should support your dependants first.'"
[Bukhari]
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family.
[Muslim]
Marriage to a Past
Marriage to a Past
By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood
Reprinted from Islamic Horizons Magazine
Parents Should Not Reject a Proposal Without Good Reason - and Being a Revert with a Past is Not an Acceptable One
Should a Muslim marry or even consider marriage to a revert to Islam, since he or she would have a past that include premarital sex? Should a married revert divorce a spouse that does not revert?
Many parents become upset if their children wish to marry outside their culture, although Islam allows and even encourages this, as long as both parties are Muslim. For example, parents worry about differences in schools of thought, nationalities, and non-extended family members. Since Muslims tend to gravitate toward others of a similar type, one would imagine that a marriage between, say, a Sufi and a Salafi stands little chance of success.
About a "Past"
When he married, the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did not seek young virgins, women with no previous sexual experience, or members of his family. Since neither he nor Khadijah were Muslims at the time they married, the question of being Muslim did not arise.
(Zawaj.com Editor's Note: while the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) before the appointment of the Prophethood was not a "Muslim" in the sense we understand it today, he was a Haneef - a follower of the pure way of Ibraheem (alayhis-salaam). He rejected idol worship, and he meditated and prayed deeply, trying to learn and know the manner in which he should worship Allah. In addition, he rejected all the corrupt practices of Arab society at the time, such as fornication, drinking, gambling, etc. So in the broader sense he was definitely a Muslim and a true seeker of truth.)
Muhammad's (pbuh) first choice was a twice-married 40-year-old lady with at least 4 children. Marrying when he was 25, he remained monogamous until her death 25 years later. He never considered taking another wife, although all his friends, uncles, and peers were polygamous.
After Khadijah's death, when he was 50, he took at least 12 more wives. Only 2 were virgins: 'A'isha and Maryam (a Coptic Christian from Egypt).
Only his sixth and seventh wives (Umm Salamah and Zaynab, respectively) were his direct cousins whom he had known since their childhood. Umm Salamah was a widow with three children and a fourth born almost immediately after their marriage, and Zaynab came as a divorcee after a failed marriage to his adopted son Zayd.
Upon Becoming Muslim
Should a person, upon accepting Islam, divorce his or her non-Muslim spouse? Many famous early male Companions adopted Islam long after their wives. For example, 'Umar's wife Zaynab was the sister of 'Uthman bin Maz'un. Both of them were Muslims. Hamzah's wife was Salmah, and 'Abbas' wife was Lubabah (Umm Fadl), daughters of Hind bint Awf by different husbands. In 'Abbas' case, Umm Fadl claimed to be the second woman to revert to Islam, the same day as her close friend Khadijah. Officially, 'Abbas accepted Islam just before the fall of Makkah 20 years later!
The Prophet did not ask them to divorce their non-Muslim husbands. In fact, they gradually entered Islam by being convinced of its truth. Incidentally, not only wives brought their husbands into Islam: Fatimah brought her brother 'Umar, Umm Habibah brought her father Abu Sufyan, and the Prophet's daughter Zaynab brought Abu al-'As. There are many similar cases.
At the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, Umm Kulthum, daughter of the Prophet's enemy 'Uqbah bin Abu Mu'ayt, sought asylum with the Muslims when she learned that a revelation had said that women seeking the Prophet did not, like male escapees, have to be returned to their families and men. Their marriages could simply be voided.
In Qur'an 60:7-12, verse 10 is cited on the issue of divorcing non-believing spouses: "If you ascertain that they are believers, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for the unbelievers, not are the (unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them."
However, the rest of the section discusses this subject with great tact and gentleness, and rather alters the perspective. Verse 7 states: "It may well be that Allah will grant love between you and those whom you (now) hold as enemies, for Allah has power over all things, and is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Allah forbids you not, with regard to those who do not (actually) fight you for (your faith) nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for Allah loves those who are just. Allah only forbids you with regard to those who fight against you for (your) faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and love). It is such as turn to these (in these circumstances) who do wrong."
A revert is a revert, and following the teaching given to Khalid bin Walid (the legendary general who had slaughtered so many Muslims before his reversion), that on entering Islam one's entire past is obliterated. The slate is wiped clean. That day becomes Day One of the rest of your life. So there is no baggage of "the past" for a revert. This is not to say, of course, that reverts have not been affected and influenced by their past, or that they can simply forget it.
And so anxious parents worry about their children marrying such people. Many in the older age group have failed marriages and divorces behind them, with all their traumas, and widows or widowers marry with all of their memories. It is never simple to marry someone with a "past." But what's simple in life? Moreover, is that really worth cutting everything else out for? Take the challenge on the chin, but do it with your eyes open.
The Prophet said that if an honorable person, one with nothing ostensibly wrong about him, sought a girl in marriage, he should not be turned away hurtfully by her guardian. This should be taken alongside the rule that no one should be coerced into marriage. The girl's wishes are final. Parents should not reject a proposal without good reason - and being a revert with a past is not an acceptable one. Allah has already forgiven that past.
Most scholars agree that alcohol was prohibited in the same year as Hudaybiyyah (628 CE). First, Muslims were told they should not come to prayer while intoxicated (4:43). When 'Umar prayed for clearer guidance, the Prophet recieved verses 5:90-91, saying that alcohol was an abomination and Satan's handiwork.
Upon hearing that, all Muslims threw away their alcohol. But some asked: "Can alcohol really be an abomination, for some of the martyrs of Badr and Uhud consumed it?" In response came: "Those who believed and did good may not be blamed for what they consumed (in the past), inasmuch as they feared Allah, believed and did good works. Allah loves the viruous" (5:93). The analogy applies to revert suitors-they should not be blamed for "what they consumed in the past," premarital sex included.
Should a revert spouse divorce or leave the non-revert one? This issue requires great compassion. When the Prophet abandoned Makkah for Madinah, his daughter Zaynab could not bear to leave her non-Muslim husband Abu al-'As, and was not required to do so until years later under other circumstances. The Prophet did not automatically divorce them. This is an important Sunnah, since it involves his own children.
Such a spouse should be considered a potential revert, and the revert should do his or her absolute best to embody Islam's manners, effort, charity, and so on. Do not ram your theology down his or her throat, or as Prophet Jesus ('alayhi al-salaam) (is reported in the Bible - Ed.) to have said: "Don't cast your pearls before swine." The best way is to give the best example, especially of love and compassion. Then, if the non-Muslim becomes a Muslim, what a wonderful reward that will be! If it does not work out, and life with that spouse becomes increasingly difficult, then no doubt divorce would follow on the grounds that one spouse would probably consider the other's behavior unreasonable, leading to the marriage's breakdown. Certainly, give it every chance first-especially if children are involved.
Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood is the author of the Muslim Marriage Guide.
British public and Islamic schools use several of her textbooks
By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood
Reprinted from Islamic Horizons Magazine
Parents Should Not Reject a Proposal Without Good Reason - and Being a Revert with a Past is Not an Acceptable One
Should a Muslim marry or even consider marriage to a revert to Islam, since he or she would have a past that include premarital sex? Should a married revert divorce a spouse that does not revert?
Many parents become upset if their children wish to marry outside their culture, although Islam allows and even encourages this, as long as both parties are Muslim. For example, parents worry about differences in schools of thought, nationalities, and non-extended family members. Since Muslims tend to gravitate toward others of a similar type, one would imagine that a marriage between, say, a Sufi and a Salafi stands little chance of success.
About a "Past"
When he married, the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did not seek young virgins, women with no previous sexual experience, or members of his family. Since neither he nor Khadijah were Muslims at the time they married, the question of being Muslim did not arise.
(Zawaj.com Editor's Note: while the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) before the appointment of the Prophethood was not a "Muslim" in the sense we understand it today, he was a Haneef - a follower of the pure way of Ibraheem (alayhis-salaam). He rejected idol worship, and he meditated and prayed deeply, trying to learn and know the manner in which he should worship Allah. In addition, he rejected all the corrupt practices of Arab society at the time, such as fornication, drinking, gambling, etc. So in the broader sense he was definitely a Muslim and a true seeker of truth.)
Muhammad's (pbuh) first choice was a twice-married 40-year-old lady with at least 4 children. Marrying when he was 25, he remained monogamous until her death 25 years later. He never considered taking another wife, although all his friends, uncles, and peers were polygamous.
After Khadijah's death, when he was 50, he took at least 12 more wives. Only 2 were virgins: 'A'isha and Maryam (a Coptic Christian from Egypt).
Only his sixth and seventh wives (Umm Salamah and Zaynab, respectively) were his direct cousins whom he had known since their childhood. Umm Salamah was a widow with three children and a fourth born almost immediately after their marriage, and Zaynab came as a divorcee after a failed marriage to his adopted son Zayd.
Upon Becoming Muslim
Should a person, upon accepting Islam, divorce his or her non-Muslim spouse? Many famous early male Companions adopted Islam long after their wives. For example, 'Umar's wife Zaynab was the sister of 'Uthman bin Maz'un. Both of them were Muslims. Hamzah's wife was Salmah, and 'Abbas' wife was Lubabah (Umm Fadl), daughters of Hind bint Awf by different husbands. In 'Abbas' case, Umm Fadl claimed to be the second woman to revert to Islam, the same day as her close friend Khadijah. Officially, 'Abbas accepted Islam just before the fall of Makkah 20 years later!
The Prophet did not ask them to divorce their non-Muslim husbands. In fact, they gradually entered Islam by being convinced of its truth. Incidentally, not only wives brought their husbands into Islam: Fatimah brought her brother 'Umar, Umm Habibah brought her father Abu Sufyan, and the Prophet's daughter Zaynab brought Abu al-'As. There are many similar cases.
At the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, Umm Kulthum, daughter of the Prophet's enemy 'Uqbah bin Abu Mu'ayt, sought asylum with the Muslims when she learned that a revelation had said that women seeking the Prophet did not, like male escapees, have to be returned to their families and men. Their marriages could simply be voided.
In Qur'an 60:7-12, verse 10 is cited on the issue of divorcing non-believing spouses: "If you ascertain that they are believers, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for the unbelievers, not are the (unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them."
However, the rest of the section discusses this subject with great tact and gentleness, and rather alters the perspective. Verse 7 states: "It may well be that Allah will grant love between you and those whom you (now) hold as enemies, for Allah has power over all things, and is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Allah forbids you not, with regard to those who do not (actually) fight you for (your faith) nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for Allah loves those who are just. Allah only forbids you with regard to those who fight against you for (your) faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and love). It is such as turn to these (in these circumstances) who do wrong."
A revert is a revert, and following the teaching given to Khalid bin Walid (the legendary general who had slaughtered so many Muslims before his reversion), that on entering Islam one's entire past is obliterated. The slate is wiped clean. That day becomes Day One of the rest of your life. So there is no baggage of "the past" for a revert. This is not to say, of course, that reverts have not been affected and influenced by their past, or that they can simply forget it.
And so anxious parents worry about their children marrying such people. Many in the older age group have failed marriages and divorces behind them, with all their traumas, and widows or widowers marry with all of their memories. It is never simple to marry someone with a "past." But what's simple in life? Moreover, is that really worth cutting everything else out for? Take the challenge on the chin, but do it with your eyes open.
The Prophet said that if an honorable person, one with nothing ostensibly wrong about him, sought a girl in marriage, he should not be turned away hurtfully by her guardian. This should be taken alongside the rule that no one should be coerced into marriage. The girl's wishes are final. Parents should not reject a proposal without good reason - and being a revert with a past is not an acceptable one. Allah has already forgiven that past.
Most scholars agree that alcohol was prohibited in the same year as Hudaybiyyah (628 CE). First, Muslims were told they should not come to prayer while intoxicated (4:43). When 'Umar prayed for clearer guidance, the Prophet recieved verses 5:90-91, saying that alcohol was an abomination and Satan's handiwork.
Upon hearing that, all Muslims threw away their alcohol. But some asked: "Can alcohol really be an abomination, for some of the martyrs of Badr and Uhud consumed it?" In response came: "Those who believed and did good may not be blamed for what they consumed (in the past), inasmuch as they feared Allah, believed and did good works. Allah loves the viruous" (5:93). The analogy applies to revert suitors-they should not be blamed for "what they consumed in the past," premarital sex included.
Should a revert spouse divorce or leave the non-revert one? This issue requires great compassion. When the Prophet abandoned Makkah for Madinah, his daughter Zaynab could not bear to leave her non-Muslim husband Abu al-'As, and was not required to do so until years later under other circumstances. The Prophet did not automatically divorce them. This is an important Sunnah, since it involves his own children.
Such a spouse should be considered a potential revert, and the revert should do his or her absolute best to embody Islam's manners, effort, charity, and so on. Do not ram your theology down his or her throat, or as Prophet Jesus ('alayhi al-salaam) (is reported in the Bible - Ed.) to have said: "Don't cast your pearls before swine." The best way is to give the best example, especially of love and compassion. Then, if the non-Muslim becomes a Muslim, what a wonderful reward that will be! If it does not work out, and life with that spouse becomes increasingly difficult, then no doubt divorce would follow on the grounds that one spouse would probably consider the other's behavior unreasonable, leading to the marriage's breakdown. Certainly, give it every chance first-especially if children are involved.
Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood is the author of the Muslim Marriage Guide.
British public and Islamic schools use several of her textbooks
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